grit & grace

Valentines Day

2012-02-09T21:02:00.001-07:00

Once, when I was 14, my boyfriend's mom made him get me a necklace for Valentine's Day. I probably should've been insulted, but I loved it.

That was the last Valentines gift I've ever received.

I despise this holiday. It's like this evil day of mocking, "you're still alone, aren't you? No one wants you. No one will ever want you."

The commercials, the cards, the Valentine's aisles in the stores...I can't wait until it's over and gone. I can't wait.

Venting

2012-02-07T22:36:00.001-07:00

So what. So what if I cut my hair? So what if I'm letting the color grow out. I'm tired of putting time & energy into my hair when, really, no one cares. My hair was long & blond and I was thin, but no one asked me out. My phone never rang. So what does it matter?

The man who I thought was my friend—ok, who I liked alot...mayyybe even loved— that man told me he couldn't see us ever going out. And in the interest of keeping a civil workplace, I let it roll off my back. "Ain't no thang. Whatever." And I try to act normal and friendly when he tells me about his weekends. "Good to hear you're getting out there & meeting new people." And then I come home & make an appointment at the hairdresser's. "just cut it all off. Get rid of it."

Why is cutting your hair so cathartic? I don't regret it yet. I'm still on track for letting the color grow. There's about an inch of root showing now. This is going to get worse before it gets better, and I'm not positive I'm going to make it through the awful stages of two-tone hair, but I have a vision of who I want to become...and that person is more authentic. More honest. Less shallow. So what if the hair is darker? So what if I have some gray? No one liked me when it was long & blond. So why not be short & mousy? So what if people may look at me as being "old"? I AM old, and there's not much that I can do about it.

But these changes have come, not because I want short hair or gray hair. They've come because I'm crushed. And every day at work, with every interaction i have with him, the pain is a little sharper. The knife goes a little deeper. Most days I want to come home after work, curl up in my bed & not come back out. Ever. And then I get up the next day and do it all again.

Something needs to change.

Can't. Breathe.

2011-12-07T21:20:00.001-07:00

It's been building for a long time. I'm at the breaking point.

Puppies require patience & I have none left. None. Work is killing me. I'm treated like an idiot there. I'm left out of meetings, excluded from information and decisions...until they need something, then they can't figure out why I'm not up to speed. Maybe it's me. Maybe I really am stupid.

And the dog just keeps barking, and wanting attention and wanting out, then wanting in, then wanting out, then wanting in...

And daughter moved out as part of a court order. The lawyer & judge recognize that her alcoholism is at the root of her cases...the cause of all the trouble...so, as if it wasn't excruciating enough to live with an alcoholic & lose multiple night's sleep worrying, now she's in a "sober home" and has been angry at me ever since she left...mean & angry. Saying I don't listen & don't pay attention to what she says. I do, though. I just don't think she's actually saying what she thinks she's saying.

Or maybe I really am stupid & retarded & socially backward. I'm sure that's why the (asshole) man doesn't want me. I thought he liked me, but he doesn't. I'm sure of that now. And I had to sit next to him at a meeting today. It was awful. I've been trying so hard to avoid him altogether, because it hurts.

And I know I must sound pathetic. No one wants to read about a stranger's whiny problems...I know that. It's just that every area of life...home, work, social, financial (don't even get me started on the foreclosure & the possible bankruptcy)... is caving in. It's completely imploding & I have no idea where to go from here, or how to make things better. I'm stuck in a horrible place & feel like it's only going to get worse. .

And the dog keeps barking and chews up another pillow. There's nothing left. No patience. No kindness. Nothing.